Anger's Bitter Throwing Hand

Robert Kincaid
Analysis destroys wholes. Some things, magic things, are meant to stay whole. If you look at their pieces, they go away.

The Aesir gods of the Scandinavians, the Norse gods of Asgard were fierce warriors. They lived for war. Every diety of the Norse gods were capable swordsmen, even the women. Those that died in battle were allowed to ascend with them in the great halls of Asgard. Those who didn't descended into Niflheim, the land of the dead.

Of all the Asgardian dieties, Balder (or Baldur) was the most beloved. The son of Odin, the head god of the Asgardians known for his thirst for knowledge and wisdom. He was brother to Thor and in some legends and stories, half-brother to the mischievous and malicious Loki, the shape-shifting trickster whom the Asgardian gods had kept because as long as he was in their midst, they did not have to stain their hands with dishonest or ignoble acts. They tolerated him for he could do the things they were not wont do. Loki, they thought, might be half-giant but whatever his lineage may be, son to Odin or not, he was needed and thus accepted into their ranks.

Balder was the most beautiful and the brightest of gods. Even the mortals that lived in Midgard (Earth) praised him and gave him honour. They said that he was a sun god, others say he was the god of beauty; but whatever the case maybe, should Odin fall, it was Balder who would reign over the Asgardian gods and not Thor who was more a warrior than a leader. No one would ever think of harming Balder except every night, Balder would wake up, haunted by gruesome nightmares.

This troubled Odin and his wife, Balder's mother Frigg, patroness of motherhood and marriage and fertility. So in order to protect Balder, the two gods met all the other gods in a council and it came to agreement that everyone should take an oath to never hurt the beloved god. All the gods agreed to this and then soon, all things -- plants, animals, objects, the elements were given voice and language for a day in order to join the oath. Snakes were made to swear that their fangs, scale and poison would not harm Balder. Fire was made to promise their heat would never scorch his skin. Steel, wood, stone made the same promise as did poisonous plants, water and the like. Any thing in the world that would cause lethal harm to Balder was made to take the oath and they all accepted and made the pledge.

Relieved, a new game was made in the halls of Asgard. During drink, and in the name of fun and amusement, Balder would stand up and all the gods would throw things at him -- arrows, spears, knives, axe, sword and they would all laugh at it as it would bounce off his body, Balder laughing, unharmed. Of everyone in the halls of Asgard, two people were not amused. One of them was Loki who despised Balder's virtues and envied his invulnerability.

One day, Frigg was approached by a young, kindly faced woman who introduced herself as a new mother. The young mother asked the goddess how she too could protect her child as Frigg had done Balder and Frigg's heart had melted in sympathy and told her of the great oath-taking. Frigg even admitted that there was one that had not committed the pledge. It was the mistletoe, a slender shoot growing out of an oak tree. It was so young and fragile that she did not think it would be able to bring Balder to harm. The young mother thanked Frigg profusely and left. Far away from Asgard, the young mother turned immediately into Loki in one motion.

On Midsummer's Eve, once again the hall of Asgard was over-flowing with drink and the gods were once again throwing dangerous weapons at Balder. The other diety who did not partake of this game was Balder's own brother Hoder, who was blind. Loki arrived late this night, for he was shafting a spear made from the mistletoe that had escaped the pledge for Balder's safety. Immediately he walked up to Hoder and asked him why he was so sad and not up to the merriment of Asgard. He mentioned each god and dwelt mostly on Nanna, Balder's wife and the reason of Hoder's blindness.

It was a sore point for Hoder. After all, both brothers had wanted her and fought for her and Balder won and in the process left Hoder blind. Loki played on this until he convinced Hoder that he should play along. He would guide Hoder's hand and he too should join in the merriment. Hoder acquiesced and with Loki's guiding hand and an expert ear, threw the spear and it struck Balder squarely on the chest.

There was stillness as all the gods watched as Balder keeled over and fell dead. Hoder was struck dumb with grief. He had killed his own brother and knew not how or why. Loki even feigned surprise even though his whole body shook with amusement and joy and happiness. But he was a trickster, the best of all in Asgard and Midgard and in the lands of the dwarves and the giants. He hid it well and no one knew it was all his doing that their most beloved god had fallen by his brother's unwitting hand, led by the lord of all mischief.

Family. It's a weird thing. You grow up knowing nothing else. Everything about you is shaped by them -- by what you are exposed to. Especially if you are the youngest, I remember always being brought along to this and being forced to listen to that and having to play their games. Because of that, I've always felt like a side-kick. I was Sancho Panza, Robin, Watson and every other foil to every hero's story.

I didn't mind, it has made me a very open-minded person. I've a very strong personality but that's really mine, but I'm also extremely willing and capable of taking a subordinate position to anybody else around me. I've had good practice. Like I told some people many times, "I'm never going to be nominated for a Best Actor award, but hell, I've been nominated for Best Supporting Actor plenty of times. I've even won a few!"

But I'm older now and it's time for me to get on with my life and sometimes, the closeness of some members of my family has caused much grief for me. One brother had already caused me much grief 3 or 4 years ago. I'm still reeling from the effects of his wake. He's far, far away now but I look around me and things aren't the same. I was never old enough to know what I could take advantage of from my family and now it's gone and I have to make my own way.

Thank God, people always tell me, I have what it takes to carve out my own future. I'm a survivor, they've said. If only I knew the comforts they have known. I wouldn't be so resentful of them.

And then now, another brother has come to take his place. And I'm very angry and I have no knowledge of how to convey this. Of all my brothers, he was the one who needed the hero position and place more than any of them. I was his side-kick and at one point, when all things were falling apart for him, I was the one he held on to the hardest. I know he loves me, but he's choking me and I want to be as far from him as I can be.

Family. It's a funny thing. There's so much love there but there's too much familiarity and when you grow older, as you start shaping who you are now, sometimes, they try to keep you to the way they know you. And they try to stifle that which you want to be in order for things to be the same.

I wonder how it is for the older ones, the ones who have to watch out for the younger ones? I wonder how they feel? Because right now, I'm resentful and angry and bitter and I just want to go away and not see him for a long while.

I have the ways, I have the means, I have the gumption. I can do it if I wanted to. I can be Loki because I'm sure I'm no Hoder. I'm not some victim, sitting down and moping and wondering what could have been and then slowly using my anger to accidentally cause the fatal blow. But I can be Loki, who can weave and go through the webs and fashion a scheme. I can get out if I want to.

To do so without hurting anybody is the question. Can I do it without ruffling feathers?

Or maybe the true question is, do I want to keep things okay?