Why the Laurel Tree is Sacred

as texted to me by my Dad
The most difficult lesson to learn is which bridge to use and which bridge to break.

The dryad daughter of Peneus, Daphne, was just minding her own business. She was probably just cavorting in the fields with her friends. They were probably doing things that dryads normally would do. It was a lovely day in Greece.

And then, the sun grew hotter and began to shine much brighter. And then Apollo was there and he wanted to speak to Daphne. The other dryads rushed away in fear. They all are aware of Apollo Helios' temperament. At one moment he could be kind and charming and amiable and other times he can be harsh and cruel and brash.

Alone, Apollo professed his love for Daphne, as the gods of Greece are wont to do. Daphne looked at the god straight in the eyes and suddenly she felt a seething pain. No. She does not love him back. She refuses the god's profession of love. Apollo is angered. He will take what is not freely given. Daphne runs and the sun god follows after her. The chase would be swift. No dryad or any nymph for that matter has escaped the advances of the gods.

As she neared the river, she called upon her father, the river god Peneus and asked for protection. Tearfully, Peneus was forced to protect his daughter the only way that had struck him at that moment. He turned her into a tree. Daphne, meaning 'Laurel' had become a Laurel tree, as was named by Apollo and has been made sacred by his official decree.

What actually transpired was that Apollo had been played a fool. Eros was angered by the sun god who had made light of his archery skills. The god of the sun, who was also the god of singing, prophecy, archery and the sun had offended the son of Aphrodite. And so he shot him with an arrow of love at the nymph, Daphne. In turn, he had shot Daphne with an arrow of hate. Other scholars claimed that Eros was also irritated by Apollo's constant singing in the halls of Olympus. Daphne was just a victim of the god's cruelty. But then again, so was Apollo.

I've made a pretty good number of bad choices this year. It's been building up, really, and I've been seriously thinking of whether I really want to be in the industry I want to be in. I've been to other countries and read about other countries and see it on television and movies. It seems that it is not that hard out there as it is here. I have this strange feeling, sometimes, that with the way I think and the way I look at life and how I choose to present it, I'd be more accepted somewhere else. People have said it to me constantly. Wanggo, you'd so make it big abroad! I'm wondering whether if this industry, here in my own country, really wants me. I can't bring myself to make a movie based on a popular love song title. I could and try to make it something good or something I'd watch but, at the same time, I keep asking myself, how much compromises is acceptable, at the end of the day? I don't want to see myself as one of those people who don't compromise -- those artists who forces people to take it or leave it. For them, there is no in-between. I believe you can still keep your artistic integrity but still bend a bit to make it commercial or if not commercial, to be flexible to allow the producers to have their say as well. It is their money after all. It's not your product, entirely.

I've been hitting walls for the past 2 years, 3 years and I'm wondering whether how badly do I want to be here? I feel that people are telling me that I shouldn't aim so high; that what I have to offer won't sell, at all, in this country. It's sad. It really is. I want to make movies like Million Dollar Baby and Crash and Magnolia. But at the same time, I also want to make movies about Filipinos in the Philippines. I get so conflicted at times. I get so confused.

I'm at a stage where it's all or nothing now, you know? I'm getting too old to have an easy time going to other countries and starting from scratch. If I want to make it abroad I have to go now or soon. But I might have to give up the stories I want to tell about my country and that's important to me. But what if I stay and things don't get better here? What if they will never let me make a movie that I want to make?

I feel like Apollo, hit by an arrow of love and that thing which I love was shot with an arrow of hate. I chase it and it becomes something else, something I can't have. Will I just end up kneeling before it in tears, declaring some sacred and holy thing and walk away from it forever? Sometimes I find myself wondering why I was made with these thoughts in my head and a desire to express them but be placed in a country that doesn't want it?

I don't believe in fate or destiny. I also believe that the trials and hardships are given to us because we can overcome them. It won't be easy, it never is but we have to perservere. The question I'm trying to find an answer to is, here or there or somewhere else?

Is this a test of some sort? Well, it is, really. A test of how much I love my country and how much I want this. It's a test of how well I can think of a middle ground, a solution that solves both problems. It's a test of my willingness and what I'm willing to give up for that which I love.

At least, in that way, there is something to learn here. Apollo didn't even have that at the end of that day. He was just a victim, as was Daphne and Peneus. It was Eros who had come out with something from that occurrence. He had discovered he was an asshole. That his spite and his anger would cost a life.

For the Price of an Eye

Voltaire
Doubt is not a pleasant mental state but certainty is a ridiculous one.

Odin, the All-Father of the Norse gods had a thirst for knowledge like no other. The lengths to which he would go for information, for wisdom was insatiable. Some say that he knew an unbelievable amount except he still searched, explored and uncovered. For, in truth, the stories and the story-tellers say, that what he was really looking for, more than anything else, was for the signs of the coming of Ragnarok, the Scandinavian end of days. Odin the All-Father wanted to be ready, prepared for the final battle that was to commence. He knew it would come. He knew that there, he and his kind would die. But he didn't know when.

He had walked all over Midgard, what they would call Earth and travel through the mountains of the dwarves and giants and read every script he would find. He walked all the way to Ygdrassil, the World Tree and ate from its bark. He hung himself on a tree and remained dead for a fortnight in order to know what the dead know. He took the severed head of Mimir, an advisor of his and dipped this in the well of knowledge and Mimir's head came to life. He would whisper secrets to the All-Father yet still, Odin did not know when Ragnarok would come. He would keep Mimir's severed head in a leather bag and bring it with him always, to consult, to wait for the whispers, that maybe, at one point, it would be said. The secret revealed. Yet it did not come. Odin ripped out his right eye and threw this into the heavens as payment for knowledge and knowledge he did receive but still he did not know when Ragnarok would come. Later, he would travel to the lands of the dead and speak to the Cybil. It was then she gave her frightening retelling of what has yet to come and when. And when the oracle did, Odin had discovered it was too late. He had already set in motion events that would bring the coming of Ragnarok.

The end of days for the gods of Asgard were near.

I marvel at athletes. At such a young age, some of them knew that this was what they wanted to do for the rest of their lives: playing the game, challenging themselves, working hard day in and day out to be the best. The sport, that is their whole life, there is nothing else. They wake up early and train. They eat lunch and then go back to training. Sometimes they watch other sportmen and learn from them. They go out and have fun with their friends, maybe, sometimes, not very often. But at the end of the day, the last thought before they go to sleep is the game, the sport, the challenge. Their whole life is spent being the best they can be at that specific thing. There is nothing else.

I marvel at people who can do the corporate life. Not marvel, maybe, but there is a great deal of respect and admiration that I have for people who can do that, day-in and day-out. Wake up at a particular time and go to work and be there early. Wear a sort of uniform: leather shoes, collared-shirt, slacks. Work the whole day inside an office, talk shop with your colleagues during your cigarette break. Leave at a particular time and get home and then the rest of your life transpires. It begins at the setting of the sun. The challenge is there, from 9 to 5. You have that challenge to be the best you can be within those 8 hours. And then it is done.

I can't do that. I don't have discipline. I don't have that sort of patience. I get itchy feet. I get claustraphobic and I feel cramped and I feel like I can't breathe. I have to keep moving around. I have to know that I can leave whenever I want. I can't ever feel bonded to one thing. I have to keep traveling.

And to do the same thing over and over for years on end. I can't do that. I feel great respect and admiration for people who retire and they receive their gold, extremely expensive watch from the company for having given 25 years, 30 years, 40 years to the company. I can't do that. I cannot do that. I have to keep jumping, finding something new. It's always got to be a new experience. If anything starts to feel routine, I get bored, I get stifled. I feel like I need to escape.

Of course, that means there is nothing stable in my life. Nothing. There are moments when there are a lot of projects and I'm busy with work and I have money to burn and I have lots of new experiences. And then there are moments when there is no work and I'm scrambling for money and I get depressed because I'm not working and yet, I rest, I relax and I try to enjoy the time given to me. I get to have new experiences on my terms and not because it was determined by my job.

There's this need to continue to gather as much experiences as I can, to learn and to grow; to have this complete full life and to be able to say that I did as much as I could during my time in life. I'm trying to cram in as many fulfilled lifetimes in the only one I've been given.

But sometimes, I wonder if it is all worth it, like now, with projects not coming through, things feel like they are crumbling around me. I wonder if I only kept at it, at a regular job, I wouldn't be having the problems I have now. I'd have this sense of stability. I'd be okay. I'd get by. But I don't think I could be happy. But I'm not all that happy now. My life is my own, but I also owe things now. It's not easy.

I feel like I'm standing on a cliff, right at this moment, looking at my hand. Do I have what it takes to fully commit to who I am? Do I have what it takes to make this bohemian lifestyle work for me? Do I have what it takes to reach in and pluck out one eye and throw it away to be able to see the whole world?

The Ambition of Isis

Albert Einstein
The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

Isis, the Nile goddess of fertility and magic and secrets, had an ambition. Ra, her father, was the sun god and ruled over the lands of Egypt. It is his radiance that makes the land of the Nile an unforgiving place that only the industrious and the persistent thrive. But it was time for a new ruler and Isis had a plan. As Ra grew older, Isis, guised as a loving daughter, wiped away his sweat and the spittle that dripped from his mouth. She tended his every need. Unknowingly, in her solitude, Isis would squeeze the cloth in which she had gathered every spittle, every drop of sweat and formulated a potion. With her own magick, she turned the potion into a snake with venom made potent from greatest diety of the Nile. Apep, king of the serpents was born. Apep slithered beside Ra while he was alone and bit him and the poison rushed through the diety's bloodstream and he was paralyzed. Doomed to die, he whimpered out for his other children to come to his side and only Isis came. In return for the antidote, she claimed, he must give her his secret name.

There was hush in the Nile. For one moment, the great river stood still. As the whispered secret name passed from Ra's lips to Isis' ears, the balance of power has shifted. She administered the antidote and Ra, no longer the most powerful diety of the Nile, took his barge Matet and flew into the heavens to simply handle his responsibility, the sun. Isis then gave the seat of power to her husband, Osiris, lord of agriculture and all growing things in the Nile. And together, became the new rulers of Egypt.

We step through our lives everyday and without knowing, we are gathering experiences and moments with which we become wiser. When we dispense advice, where does it come from? It comes from our own personal experiences or the personal experience of others. Someone has been through it and learned the hard way. From that, we are given the chance to not make the same mistake.

Wisdom, I guess, is the application of things we learned from mistakes that we have made or mistakes of others which we have imbibed into ourselves. One can be wise without being smart and the opposite is just as true.

But as a writer, as a gatherer of stories, wisdom is also the ending of every story. What do we take with us from that experience? Tell it in a more interesting way, and you've got yourself a story that people will look for and would want to hear again. The trick is in the telling. Tell it well and they'll want to hear it again. Tell it well and they will learn. Tell it well and they wouldn't have to go through what you did to know that what you say is true.

Everything that happens in my life is used for a story that is just waiting to be written. Why keep all that wisdom for myself? And there's only so much human experience I can take. That's why we are all here. So that we can share it. I've never been to the Antartic but maybe someone who has has not been to Palawan. Come sit by me. Let's talk awhile.

What I'm trying to decide is whether what Isis did was mean or cruel? In the realm of man, it probably is, but in the realm of gods and goddesses, when it is time to move on, it is time to move on. And Isis was the goddess of secrets, she probably knew it was time for a change and maybe Ra didn't know it. Maybe he wouldn't have ever let it go. Maybe that is her justification for it.

When I use something that happened to me as a story, I feel a little like rapist at times. I violate the others who are part of that story as well. But that's where fiction comes in, a chance to play around with what really happened, to hide and disguise the others that were there. To hide and disguise my true role in the story. It allows us our dignity. That's all I can offer in recompense.

For the ambition of Isis, already, I offer my apologies.

Exposition

Wei Wu Wei from Fingers Pointing At the Moon
Detachment is a state, it is not a totalisation of achieved indifferences.

I remember studying Classical mythology in High School. I was quite fascinated with the stories of the Greek and Roman gods and goddesses. I remember the stories of the heroes and the mighty kings. I remember reading about the Trojan War. I remember noticing how very emotional and passionate the gods and goddesses were. They were worse than people. They had no inhibition and their power made them fearsome, for if they wanted something, they would get it.

In fact, it got to me that these gods and goddesses were like human beings exaggerated and with powers. They were flighty and emotional and quick to their feelings.

Because of this I was more drawn to reading about Egyptian mythology and Indian mythology and even Norse mythology were the dieties were divine and powerful. They had their whims and their faults but they acted like gods. No fooling around with mortals or silly little arguments amongst themselves. There were, of course, but it was with their nemesis gods. Loki and Thor, Osiris, Horus and Set, the Indian gods versus the demons. Somehow, there was a flair, a dignity to them that the Greek and Roman gods did not have. I was fascinated by these great beings with so much power and holding over so much responsibilities. If one should falter, something inevitable would be lost.

I had a conversation with a friend back in college. I had called us all modern, everyday gods. Always at this state where we are about to realise our divinity, almost ready to ascend into some imagined heavens, a part of some faux celestial order. At the time, I think I was talking about the in crowd, the "high society." You realise your full potential, dress well and talk the part and you'd be up there. Yeah, I admit there was a time I wanted to be there, to be a part of that circle.

Later on, I realised to embrace that part of me would be to shun the other parts of me -- artist, bohemian, recluse, eclectic. To be fully myself, to reach my actual full potential, I would not always be in that world. I would not always be in any world, for that matter. There are too many sides of me to just fully involve myself in one world. I walk the pathways from world to world -- professional, family man, in crowd, geek and nerd, athletic, mature and immature. When I realised I could be all of that, all being true to my nature and who I am as a person, I realised, this is it. This is me and there's nothing wrong with it.

That's when I made my ascension. That's when I truly became a modern, everyday god. You take me out of the equation, any of the equations and something would be lost. Something would be missing. Maybe that's arrogant for me to say. But I've become whole. Now, what I can contribute would be meaningful. It is no longer contributing to discover who I am; I'm contributing because I know who I am.

I haven't been so happy about being me in a very long time. Once you've reached that point, when you realise there is nothing wrong with you and you can accept everything that you are -- all the good parts and the bad parts; then you're ready to ascend.

We're all modern, everyday gods. Some are still finding their divinity, others are basking in it but no matter what state you are still in, remember: you are divine.